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Life’s Way Station August 31, 2009

Posted by Kate Ryan in Motherhood, Parenting, popular culture, Women's Issues.
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Empty-Nest-%232My nest is empty.

On Saturday, Mr. Kitchen Table and I took our daughter two hours down the interstate and left her in a tiny cinder-block room in a city where she knows nobody.  Of course, this place is commonly known as a college dormitory and countless parents have made the same trip – but to us it felt like abandonment of the highest order.  My anxiety was boundless, both before the drop-off and since, though I truthfully believe that we feel more abandoned than she ever would.

I really thought that this would not affect me this way.  John and I have been rather looking forward to this.  If you ever shared a house with a self-centered 18-year old girl, you would understand why.  We were so very tired of arguing the same arguments over and over again because, of course, nobody knows more than a self-centered 18-year old girl.  We were so ready!

Also, John and I had spent a few years just the two of us before she came along.  We went places on the spur of the moment, stayed in bed all day with the Sunday paper, and spent money on frivolous things.  We always knew exactly where our car was, the towels were always hung up in the bathroom, there were no piles of junk on our dining room table, and when we reached in our pockets – there was usually some money.  We were really anticipating getting at least something of those days back. 

What we didn’t anticipate is the overwhelming emotion.  As our daughter stood in the middle of her dorm room (which, to me, looked vaguely reminiscent of the cells in “Lockup” on MSNBC), all I could see was a little girl in her plaid Holy Family Elementary School uniform beaming with excitement on her first day of school.  I saw the anxious face of the first-time Girl Scout camper as we waved goodbye for a week of camp.  I heard the laughter of my companion on our various road trips and the cries of a high-school freshman that lost a schoolmate to a car accident.  I felt the arms that surrounded and comforted me when my parents died.  Then, I saw a beautiful and confident young woman standing there and almost didn’t recognize her. 

I said goodbye to her through some tears and hurried to get to the car.  I am ashamed to admit that since we dropped her off, I have sent four text messages and made two phone calls.  I need to constantly reassure myself that she’s OK.  Though I might have glimpsed an adult standing in that dorm room, I still have a little girl, whether she thinks so or not. 

Right now, my daughter and I are parked in one of life’s way stations.  She’s too grown up to live with curfews and restrictions, but not mature enough to be totally independent.  For me, I need some time to be able to trust in her and completely let go.  I think this must be why they invented resident colleges, to hold you in semi-independence until you are really ready to be out on your own.

My nest may be empty, but most of my friends who have already gone through this have told me not to worry.  Often, the chicks come back and fill it up again – which is a totally other column!

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